So – here’s an upfront warning – this post contains sports metaphors. But I promise they are just a literary device – no sports knowledge required. (the author is in no way sporty or affiliated with any organised sport except for the watching of said sport on television)
Usually when people talk about moving the goal posts it’s in a negative context – like there is some kind of unfair advantage to one side over another. But, here’s the thing, when it comes to giving yourself an advantage over yourself – how can that be unfair. Especially when the goal you are shooting for isn’t even on the field. See, when you’re shooting for a goal that’s not even on the field, you’re setting yourself up to fail. And, here’s the second sports metaphor, you don’t build a winning culture. When a sports team loses continually it can be hard to get back on track because they forget how to win, or they fear the responsibility of expectation that comes with winning – much easier to be the much maligned triers.
So what the hell am I talking about. It’s really about how we as individuals define success. And there’s a lot of noise out there in society vying for a place in our definition. Magazines tell us how we should aspire to look, the education system tells us what kind of smart we should be, the economy tells us that $$ equal success, and our friends and family tell us all kinds of things about what we should be doing, achieving, striving for. The thing is, if you listen to all that noise and use it to build your goal posts, they’re going to be so far away you’ll never make the shot.
And that’s kind of where I found myself not too long ago – shooting for a goal I was never going to kick and living in the continual failure of never even getting close. Not only did I forget how to win, I forgot how to do most things. So, after plenty of therapy and a lot of bad days I decided to throw out my old definition of success – the one that was built on all that noise from society – and move the goal posts right up close so I could start to learn to win again.
When it’s a struggle to even get yourself out of bed, then doing just that is a success. When you tend to forget to feed yourself – every snack or meal you have is a success. When driving makes you so anxious that you avoid getting in the car – driving round the block is a success.
And these are the things that became my new goal posts. Get up in the morning – kicked a GOAL!!!!!!, Eat breakfast – kicked a GOAL!!!!!!, Get in the car – kicked a GOAL!!!!!. And by starting with these sitters from right on the line I slowly learned to trust my kick, to win again.
And then, as my confidence grew, I started shooting from further out:
- Do an hour of work – GOAL!!!!!!
- Do the washing – GOAL!!!!!
- Reconnect with an old friend – GOAL!!!!
- Drive somewhere 30 minutes away – GOAL of the match.
Pretty soon I was kicking goals all over the place and not just drop punts straight in front, little tricky angles from out by the boundary. And so I started to think about those goal posts I used to shoot for – maybe I could set my aim at them again. But the thing was – when I looked at those goal posts somehow they seemed like they were from the wrong sport. They weren’t how I defined success anymore because I could see now, from building my winning culture that they were only setting me up to fail – and who needs that right?
So what’s the moral of this story? Well I think it’s this – we as people (and particularly as women) let too many other voices define what success looks like – and none of us deserve or need to be setting our goal posts somewhere completely out of range (hands up all the perfectionists in the room). We all deserve a winning culture, whatever winning looks like for you. So don’t think of moving the goal posts as giving yourself an unfair advantage – because in the end you’re only competing with yourself and your own expectations (an extremely cunning and devious opponent nonetheless) and you can’t really have an unfair advantage over yourself when ultimately you are one team.